During another of my many business trips to Suffolk, I had course to book a room at the Bull Hotel in Woodbridge, a quaint picturesque little village where one can stroll along by the estuary, the warm summer sun glinting off the shimmering water reflected on the hulls of the pleasure craft moored there....get on with it fat boy!

So, having parked the car in the courtyard of the hotel I found reception and checked in. The young lady there recognised me, as I had stayed there previously and found it very accommodating (late drinks etc), and apologised that the "Four Poster" room was not available this visit. "Will you be ok in room 3, they’re a little bit snug, but very comfortable" , she reassured me.

So having been given the key off I struggled up the steep stairs 2 cases in hands to the 1^st landing....room 1, room 2, room 3, here it was; struggle to open the door and keep it open with trailing foot.

She wasn’t exaggerating, this room was minute! I squeezed past the bed, dropped my bags on the floor and looked around for the toilet/bathing facilities. Hhhmm, nothing obvious, hang on, a sliding door next to the foot of the bed revealed a cupboard (this place wasn’t big enough to merit the title "room") which contained a toilet and a shower cubicle.

I was in desperate need for a shower, having spent 5 hours in a hire car with no air-conditioning in 75 degree heat, and stripped off to take a much needed shower.

Those who have read my tale of previous squeezes of the shower variety will know that I’m of substantial weight and girth, this shower screen was in 3 pieces and slid from left to right revealing a maximum aperture I’d struggle to get and undernourished Dachshund through! I offered myself to the gap and measured the position on my torso where the door met my distended stomach....hhhmmm, even covered in Crisp and Dry and with a good run-up there’s no way I’d be getting in there!

Get dressed, pick up ‘phone, dial "0" for reception.....ring-ring, ring-ring, "Hello, reception"

"Ah, hello, this is the large gentleman in room 3, I have a problem. I know I’m a bit of a Porker, but this shower cubicle would be a bit of a struggle for Edith Piaf. Any chance of another room with something I can get into, in the cleansing department"?

"Oh dear", says the young lady, "I don’t think we’ve got anything else, I’ll call you back in a minute".

By this time I’m VERY hot and tired and thinking, I really must do something about losing weight....’phone rings.

"Hello, it’s reception, I can’t offer you another room, but we have got a large apartment across the courtyard, I’ll charge you the same rate as a single room".

Great, down to reception with my bags, change over keys, hot foot it across the courtyard, up the wrought iron staircase and into the hallway. Apartment 2, open the door to find huge apartment, well fitted etc, now where’s the bathroom?

Open the door to find an enormous bathroom, more like a dance hall, there’s the toilet, there’s the sink, there’s the bath.....where’s the shower? Bath, but, NO SHOWER.

Now this may not sound too bad to you, however, picture this....a robustly built 23 stone man, who, when he last took a bath (around 15 years ago) got into the bath...and the water got out....and I got stuck...well, let’s just say that if I had to take a bath now I’d have to book a Crane Hire company to maneuver me in and out of the thing!

Pick up ‘phone, dial "0" for reception.....ring-ring, ring-ring, "Hello, reception".

"Ah, hello yet again, it’s the hot sweaty lump of lard currently in apartment 2, I have a bath here, but do, in fact, need a shower. If you can’t get me some accommodation with a shower I’ll have to leave and find somewhere else to stay for the evening".

Receptionist, "Oh, right, I’ll tell you what, I think apartment 3 is free, and the last time I was in there I seem to remember it had a shower....yes it’s definitely got a shower."

"Well, would you be so kind as to bring the key across the courtyard to me as I’m a little weary with all of this to-ing and fro-ing?"

"Ah, I’d really like to but I can’t leave the desk at the moment, would you mind popping across for it"?

"Right, fine, I’m on my way"! (try using a Basil Fawlty accent, it worked well for me).

Across the courtyard, back to reception, change the keys AGAIN, back across the courtyard up more steps and into apartment 3.

Fabulous, large spacious, now where’s that bathroom? Here it is, toilet, sink, SHOWER.....HURRAH!

Hang on, how wide’s that cubicle door, don’t take your clothes off just yet my lad , we may fall at the last hurdle, don’t raise your hopes too high this could be an enormous wind-up......looks a bit snug but we’ve been in tight spots before now....go on get your clobber off son and enjoy a refreshing shower!

And so it came to pass that once again it was only with the aid of liberal application of Imperial Leather and the "think thin" technique that I was able to use this wonderful power shower, which, incidentally was so powerful I struggled to breath without having my back to the showerhead.....and believe me, rotating in a shower (who’s tray was fast filling up to the top with water) wasn’t easy!

So please spare a thought when on your travels for the more humungous of us, resigned to being smirked at and pushed from pillar to post just so we can stay clean and fragrant....or as it was once said:-

"Cleanliness is next to Godliness.....but only in an Irish dictionary.......

Return to the Crypt entrance